Anyway, the day I visited with Dr. Ferrante, my digestive system threw me another curve. So far my stomach would start hurting after feeling ok after about a week, I would not be able to have a bowel movement for several days (usually at least a week) and then a couple of days of diarrhea (excuse the potty mouth). This day, though, I began to throw up. AAAARGH! (That is either a sound of frustration or a sound effect for what I was doing. Take your pick.) Now to be truthful in my confession, it had been ten years since my last upchuck, after getting too cozy with orange soda and vodka, and I had not missed it a bit. But, now it came back like a long-lost fiend.
I became an over the counter meds junkie. For the nausea, I would buy anti-heartburn stuff and Tums and take at least twice the recommended dosage. For constipation, I tried Ex Lax a few times, and instead of taking the recommended two squares, I ate six. I would drink a half bottle of Milk of Magnesia at a time, when just a capful was needed. I really can't say that any of this succeeded at anything except making my wallet lighter. That, and started having real cravings for eating chalk after the Tums tablets and Milk of Magnesia.
The day before my colonoscopy, I was anxious to get going (literally!). Nothing but clear liquids the whole day, which to me was as hard as anything. A whole day of broth to look forward to - YUMMY! Chicken or vegetable broth, which to choose? (Sarcasm hopefully showing through). Then it came time to start the clean out. They had given me the most common prep called Moviprep. It sounds like you should be ready to sit down and watch a show and snack on some popcorn, not chugging a half gallon of swill that tastes like a cross between plastic and lemonade. The rough thing is, you have to drink that half gallon twice, once at 5:00 pm and once at 10:00 pm!
Not knowing what to expect, I took the first few sips and expected to make a mad rush to the bathroom. Nothing. A few more sips, and I wss lined up in sneakers snd running shorts ready for the dash to begin. Stll nothing! After the whole first half gallon, I had managed to go one time, and that was all. In the meantime, my stomach was feeling so bloated from all the liquid, I thought about sticking a needle through my navel to see if my belly would pop like a water balloon! About 9:00 pm, an hour before time to swig the other half gallon, I started throwing up and my stomach was cramping terribly. I called the doctor on call and he said to wait until early morning to take the second dose. The problem? I was supposed to be cleaned out in about 12 hours and things had not even begun in earnest (or me)!
Determined, I napped until 4 am, when my stomach was not hurting and started in on the final half gallon of Moviprep. This time, things started moving fairly well, but I only had six hours until my colonoscopy. In the morning, I called Dr. Ferrante's office, described what had happened, and we decided to give it a go so all that prep wouldn't be in vain. In the end, it was in vain. I showed up, they started the IV, they put me to sleep, and the next thing I was aware of was Dr. Ferrante saying we had to schedule another try, I was not near cleaned out as I needed. Then, he slapped me on the backdide with a hockey stick and sent me home.
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